dentist: *shoots you* you’re bleeding b/c you dont floss
HOW DO PEOPLE FALL ASLEEP SO FAST I DON’T UNDERSTAND I HAVE TO CREATE AND ACT OUT A WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE LENGTH STORY IN MY HEAD AND THEN CONTEMPLATE THE MEANING OF LIFE BEFORE I EVEN FEEL TIRED AND THIS BITCH STARTS SNORING IN TWO MINUTES
when your friend finds you after a tv show marathon
that turned out way better than i expected
Dog eating in slow motion.
this is really important
You cannot scroll past this
in the south we don’t say “you’re a dumb fuck” we say “bless your heart” and i think that’s beautiful.
the more mind-obliteratingly stupid we find you, the more descriptive we get. “bless your precious, sweet, mama-loving heart” means we’re not 100% certain how you possess enough intelligence to draw breath.
oh my god this is accurate
making a resume when u have no experience
cant wait for natural selection to take out slow walkers
"this is awkward" yeah NOW it is since you just said that you dumb boring fuck